Broken Toys
by KairiVenomus
Summary: Not everything is all peachy-clean after the Overlord is gone. it's been a while since "The Darreth Thing" happened, but Lloyd is still feeling the awful aftermath of being assaulted by an authority figure. Can Kai help him start to feel alive again? Lloyd/Kai. Rated M for suggested rape and self harm.


**I felt really gooblygack today. -.-" So I wrote this. I don't know why, just felt like it. Just testing out my inner yaoi...and sadism. D:**

**WARNINGS: Suggested rape, self harm, comments of drugs.**

**I wrote the poem.**

* * *

_/he always says too much/_  
_/he always fakes his name/_  
_/he always hangs out with crudes/_  
_/he'll never be the same/_

He's ruined. Disgusted with himself. Everyone depends on him, sure, but he's really lost his way. Everyone used to look up to him...surrounded him with their affection and love...people used to think he was the coolest guy ever. Saved the world and everything. Made life...work. Seem right, somehow. Was always...perfect. Had a life to live. Touched the hearts of others. But now, he was nothing...Nothing of anything. A broken toy, forgotten in dreams. Empty, lacking, fallen from grace. Nothing. Was that all he was? A broken toy?

He grabbed at the handle of the knife in his hand. Was anything worth it anymore? He looked in the mirror, at himself, wearing nothing but a pair of gray boxers. Man, he was skinny. Maybe it was the malnourishment. He never ate much of nothing anymore. Didn't have the money. Life sucked. Once he was riding the high life, saving the world, changing lives. Now he was just a piece of crap dangling out the back window while everyone made it okay. All his friends were doing great, working it. Had jobs, wives, even kids. He had nothing. Just a kid at heart, but lacked livelihood anymore. He sighed and looked at the ribs protruding from his sides. His thin cheekbones. He needed a haircut badly, since his hair was getting too long, but should cut it with the blade in his hands rather than scissors. They never let him have scissors anymore...

He shook out his blonde hair. Wouldn't meet his reflected blue eyes. He was tired of doing this. It was so hard. He looked at the glinting blade hanging over the bathroom sink, watched the light reflect off it for a while. Then, without another second, he quickly drug the sharp end against his outstretched wrist. A trail of blood was left in its wake. It felt good, but he wasn't okay with it. Of course not. He wasn't okay with living in general.

"What're you doing?" asked an incredulous voice behind him. He didn't turn.

"I don't know anymore."

"_Lloyd," _snapped his boyfriend. He snatched the blade out of his hand quicker than he could process it. "Don't! Don't HURT yourself like that!" The blade quickly disappeared from his grasp, yanked away by someone unseen. He felt depraved without the feel of his favorite switchblade snug into his hands. He stared at his empty palm. It was gone... "What're you thinking?!"

Lloyd shrugged. "I don't...know."

"Then STOP IT! It's crazy of you to do something that STUPID!" The clatter of the blade falling to the floor somewhere behind him made him turn to face his spiky-haired boyfriend. Kai's chocolate brown eyes were round. Moon-like. Lloyd felt dazed. He watched his significant other grab a rag quickly from the side of the sink, wet it, then press it against Lloyd's thin red wrist, now oozing blood worse than a river. He tied it into a knot. The blood seeped through the white fabric and blossomed, red and rambunctious, from the simmer of his veins. Hot, warm, and metallic. Lloyd felt Kai's hands slip around his cheeks. "Look at me." When Lloyd didn't, Kai said more forcibly, "LOOK."

Lloyd raised his eyes. Kai's face was hard. "Don't you EVER do something like that again! Dammit, you're gonna need stitches now. I'll have to take you to Zane so he can fix those..." He sighed, meeting eyes with his empty lover. "I know you don't feel like yourself right now. But you have me. You have me." He leaned his head against Lloyd's forehead, closing his eyes. His nostrils compressed and decompressed with measured breaths. How many times had Kai found Lloyd like this, practically emptily dead in this bathroom, trying to fill his doubts with pills and drugs and things that gave him a false sense of _realness, _of _wholeness, _that he needed? From practically overdosing, to cutting himself, to taking hot needles and sticking them as far into his skin as they'd go, Lloyd was no longer himself. He knew Kai knew about his depression, but had no way to prevent it from happening. Lloyd was too broken, although it didn't matter how many times he'd tell Kai. The fire Ninja would continue to strive for a better Lloyd any day.

But Lloyd didn't believe that would happen. Kai opened his eyes. "Don't do this to yourself," he said softly. "I hate it when you do this stuff. It's not healthy."

Lloyd shook his head. It was so hard, being here. He put his head on Kai's shoulder for support. The fire-bound boy was a little taller than the underweight teen. Kai had just turned nineteen a few days ago; the party had been celebrated in sober tones at Jay and Nya's house, where they gently acknowledged Kai's birthday with everyone there. Cole, Zane, Jay, the likes. They'd all been happy for the second-youngest growing a year older, but they also had been wary of Lloyd. Of course it would be that way. They all looked at him like a glass about to break, anyway. It had been that way for a year now, and by the looks of it, life wouldn't change. Not soon.

"You'll be okay." Kai had promised this three-thousand times. He was like a broken record. It was just a lie.

"No."

"You're okay, Lloyd. You'll get better. It won't always be this way." Kai kissed Lloyd's temple, softly brushing his lips across the bare skin beneath his hairline. He brushed Lloyd's golden hair from his eyes soothingly. "You just need to focus on what you _do _have."

Lloyd pulled away from Kai. He felt empty, unsure of what to do with himself anymore. He looked at the soaking rag around his wrist and knew the pressure was decreasing the efficiency of the cut, therefore stopping the bleeding. It wouldn't need stitches, or Zane. He'd sliced himself many times more to know that. "What do _you_ know?" He snapped, pushing past Kai in the small bathroom. Stepping into the hallway of the ratty apartment, he heard Kai run after the younger stalking down the corridor. He ignored him.

"Lloyd, _stop—_"

They'd been together for eighteen months now, and friends for longer than that. So why couldn't Lloyd give Kai the trust their relationship desperately needed? _Because Darreth took it from me, _he thought, and ran down the hallway to avoid the shouts of his name completely. Didn't want to face Kai. Didn't want to face the truth. Didn't want to hear the echoes of his past lingering in the depths of the dark hallway…

_"Don't be afraid, Lloyd. We're friends…Friends do this stuff. Now, be a good boy and don't make a sound…" _

Lloyd ran into the ottoman sitting in the middle of their living room. It hit his knee so awfully that he tripped over it and landed in a heap on the taggled rug in the middle of the room. He heard Kai stop behind him. "Are you okay?" asked the boyfriend who didn't get the love that he deserved. Lloyd sat up and looked at the bruise on his knee.

"Leave me alone."

Lloyd stood. Without waiting for Kai, he stalked into his bedroom, finding the light switch near the door as it usually was, flicking it on and moving towards the dresser. He yanked open the nearest drawer and rummaged through his underwear to find the spare pack of cigarettes hidden beyond a box of Kai's condoms. He stuck a cigarette in his mouth and groped for the lighter that he usually had sitting on his dresser. Damnit, where was it? Lloyd shoved aside everything sitting there, from bottles of hair gel to cans of pills, stray boxes, and empty wrappers, but never found his green lighter. He gave a howl of anger. "WHERE THE HELL IS IT?" he yelled and slammed his fist against his dresser. Breathing hard, Lloyd braced his hands on the edge of the dresser, bowing his head.

_"No one has to know, Lloyd…If they ask, I was training you. Understood? Now, move real pretty for me…that's it…Don't squirm, you're making this uncomfortable for me." _

Lloyd's hands shook violently. He needed to smoke a cigarette, and he needed it _now; _if he didn't, he might implode with tension. His shaking body was proof worse of his body's ready demand for a stimulant. He shoved his fist hard against the dresser again. Lloyd whirled and, grabbing a pair of jeans off his bed, stomped out of the room. He found Kai standing idly in the middle of the living room outside, staring hopelessly into the design of the carpet, his face forlorn and ragged with worry. He looked up to see the single cigarette dangling out the corner of Lloyd's mouth. Kai's face almost depressed when he saw the stick of death. "Where's my lighter?" snapped Lloyd, looking on the coffee table for it but finding nothing. Kai sighed.

"It's in the kitchen. On the counter."

Lloyd stalked past Kai without saying anything else. He found the green flame sitting by the sink, where he'd probably left it with the last cigarette he'd had. He lit it against his cancer stick and sighed at the relief that came with the first inhale. He blew out a smoke ring from his lips.

Kai followed him, sober by the growing seconds. "Lloyd," he whispered softly. The former Green Ninja took a drag from his cigarette but didn't meet Kai's eyes as he answered.

"What?"

"I hate it when you smoke."

Lloyd rolled his eyes. It had been a long time since they'd all been Ninjas, but it seemed like Kai was ever the only one who clung to their past. He refused to let it go as the others had. It showed in the battle-scarred determination that Lloyd could see posted on his face. A challenge that Lloyd wasn't willing to accept, refusing to look him in the eye, moving towards the other end of the counter instead. Didn't want to fight with Kai today. Instead, he tugged on his pair of jeans. Clasped the button. Shoved the lighter into his pocket. Kai watched him the whole time with the eyes of the Falcon.

He traversed the living room quickly to find a shirt. Then, grabbing a jacket off the back of the couch, he slipped it on and stuck the cigarette back in his mouth. "I'm going out," he said while unraveling the wet, bloody rag from his wrist. He tossed it into the sink. Then, seeing how ticked Kai looked, stopped to give him a quick kiss. Lloyd had loved to kiss Kai before The Darreth Thing happened. His mouth was soft, warm, and completely unkissed by anyone before until Lloyd had made the move. Now, it was nothing but plastered by mouths different than his, people to satisfy the growing man's needs while Lloyd was mentally distant. He didn't linger on his lover's mouth long in his own decision. But it was Kai who, after the departure of their mouths together, grabbed Lloyd's neck with both hands and pulled their faces back together.

No matter how many times Lloyd kissed Kai, he never got used to the feeling of weightlessness that came with the embrace.

_"Don't try to run, little boy. I will just as easily hurt your little boyfriend if you try to escape from me. Just stay, have fun with me. Say, why don't we play a game, Lloyd? We could call it 'Teacher and Student'…" _

Lloyd opened his mouth. Kai's tongue wrestled with his, tasting like Kai's own scent, his own personal flavor that was better than candy. His face heated. He hadn't kissed his boyfriend in so long—he'd almost forgotten what it felt like. With the cigarette held between the fingers of his left, dominant hand, Lloyd wrapped his arms around Kai's neck, he tilted his head to deepen the kiss, trying to get as much of Kai as he could possibly muster. It was these moments that reminded Lloyd of how much he loved the fiery ninja. Kai's hands trailed up Lloyd's neck and tangled beautifully in his golden hair, pulling him closer, as if the air they needed was nonexistent. After a moment, though, Lloyd's lightheadedness broke their caress with a final, parting _click. _

Kai's face was flushed. Lloyd was sure his face wasn't far from that. "Stay with me," Kai whispered, his breath tickling Lloyd's lips. The worn Green Ninja sighed.

"I…I can't."

Kai's face fell miserably. "Why not?" He asked.

Lloyd brought the cigarette to his lips. He took an extended drag. "I need to take a minute."

"You're not going to buy more drugs, are you?" snapped Kai.

Lloyd rolled his eyes. "I don't have the money, dummy," he said, pushing on his boyfriend's shoulder gently. "Besides, I'm clean, remember? Four months clean."

Kai sighed. "Yeah, I know, but I just…I don't know if I…"

"Trust me?" Lloyd finished with a smirk. When Kai hesitated, he nodded and pushed the cigarette in his mouth again. To keep from choking Kai, he turned his head to blow out the smoke. If he already hated it when Lloyd smoked, he'd surely hate having it blown in his face to be all he could smell for the next forty-eight hours. "Look, man, I told you. I'm good. I just need some air."

_"Do you want the window open? That way, the chill will make the pain more pleasant. It shouldn't hurt so bad, boy. Quit crying." _

_Quit crying. _Lloyd turned his head and sucked on the cigarette then. "I'll be right back," he said, and clapped Kai on the shoulder. Then he threw open the apartment door, wrenching it aside as though it were nothing, and slammed it quiet behind him. He jogged down the steps instead of waiting for the Geezer Elevator to come for him. He cleared three floors in a short period of time, but he had to admit that his lungs hurt a little bit when he reached the front doors. He nodded to the receptionist, Lopseid, before exiting.

The fresh air was cool against his face. Lloyd looked at the view of Ninjago City borne in the distance, leaning against the old bricks for support. Kai and Lloyd, just friends at the time, had bought this apartment after the Overlord had happened, taking it a little further out of Ninjago City just to be closer to the others, straying not too far from the central life source just in case. Cole went to school there, earning for a degree; Jay and Nya had a small, cozy home just twenty-five miles from here; and Zane went to college at Standard Tech just a few miles in the other direction. It kept the two close to home. It didn't cost much to live here, just what Kai could make off of his job as a Blacksmith, a job he'd adopted in a nearby town called Aeuterna. It didn't pay much, but Lloyd helped out with his own input when he found dingy little jobs to take as. He'd just recently gotten fired from a music store in the city. He was still looking for some kind of more purposeful occupation…

It was because he didn't have a high school degree. That was the _only _reason places wouldn't hire him. He tried to explain, once, that the reason he didn't have one was because he'd never gone to anything but elementary school, and the owner had kicked him out on the spot.

Lloyd sucked on the cig. A sense of calmness ran through his body.

"_It'll be our little secret." _

Lloyd closed his eyes. He'd never gone into the dojo expecting to be alone. _I only forgot my backpack, _he thought, squeezing his eyes tighter. _I just wanted to get it. That's all I wanted. _But Lloyd had stayed longer than planned—he'd lied to his friends, telling them that he and Darreth had gotten "caught up in learning new moves." Yeah, learning new moves, alright—_sickening _moves, disgusting moves, moves that shouldn't be anticipated between a thirty-year-old and a teenage boy. When the others had found out what Darreth had done…

Ever since then he'd never felt his heartbeat. Not really. He hadn't felt the thrum of it in his chest. He was scared it wasn't there anymore, it was so distant. After staring at the slice on his wrist, Lloyd dropped his cigarette on the ground and stamped it down with his bare foot. It burned, but he really didn't give a damn.

He returned to the apartment, where Kai was busy making something—probably for dinner. It wouldn't be any meal as extravagant as something Zane could've made, but it would feed him. He felt calmer now that he'd taken in a few drinks of air and polished off his cigarette. Also, now that guilt set in for ricocheting on Kai, he felt bad. The chance to slide in beside his boyfriend made Lloyd move in behind the intent-stirrer of a pot on the oven.

Kai didn't look happy, from the angle Lloyd stood at. It was probably his fault. He laced his arms around Kai's waist and pressed his face into the tender spot between his shoulder blades. He felt, underneath his weight, Kai's tense back lighten the fraction of a bit. "Hi," Lloyd breathed, and tilted back his head to kiss the nape of Kai's neck. The other boy shivered.

"Feel better?" asked Kai.

"Yeah. I'm sorry for…scaring you."

"I just worry about you, Lloyd. I don't want to lose you because you've lost yourself."

Lloyd tightened his grip around the fire-wielder's waist. "I know."

_"No one has to know, as long as you never tell." _

Lloyd squeezed his eyes shut. No one would ever know how awful it felt to be assaulted by another human being. Particularly, someone you had beforehand trusted. Now, Lloyd's central "trust" was completely askew. Hell, he couldn't even trust his own _boyfriend. _How screwed up was that?

And all because of Darreth.

Kai sighed, turning away from the pot to place his back against the bar of the stove, facing Lloyd with his chin tilted down so he could look him in the eye. He wrapped his arms around Lloyd's waist. Returning the favor. He ducked his head to catch Lloyd's wandering eye. "Have you been thinking about…you know…_it _lately?"

Lloyd sucked in a breath. "What if I have?"

Kai pursed his lips and nodded. Understood something. Didn't know what. To make up for all the words that he wanted to say to him, Lloyd leaned forward and teasingly brushed his mouth across Kai's. The fire ninja's mouth reached for his, and all Lloyd could think about was, _Am I willing to give up this feeling? _

Lloyd loved him. Never would say it, but thought it all the time. He kissed Kai and hoped that he knew it. Hoped he understood that he was loved, and no matter what he'd _always _be loved. Lloyd's icy hands clung to Kai's jaw. He tugged on the red shirt before him. Asking. Pleading.

Kai broke the kiss and, only pausing for a second, reached behind him to flip off the stove. The kiss resumed, sweet and tender against Lloyd's cold lips. He wanted more of Kai. All of him. "I love you," Kai whispered against his mouth.

And finally, Lloyd's heart began to beat.

* * *

**...In relation to my own experiences, I guess. Sadistic. **

**Please review, and go have an awesome day/night!**

**~Kairi**


End file.
